I’m Neither Butch Nor A Top | Autostraddle

by
Akwaeke Z Emezi

I just came back from a trip to Lagos, where I met a lady who would found my personal among my personal blogs online and emailed us to find out if we’re able to hook up while I happened to be in town. In conjunction with my best friend, we sought out to a secluded bar in Ikeja, had many tequila shots, and talked within the blasting music. Whenever she realised that she’d kept her phone-in the auto, I escorted this lady over to obtain it, waited as she changed from kitten pumps into flats, and flirted correctly. While we all stood about in parking area before leaving, she explained me as ‘butch’, and that I cringed. My personal companion stepped in with her correction: « No, she is a b-o-i. »

I’m more prone to see my self as a femmeboi, because while Really don’t see myself as feminine per se, I do see me as effeminate. But as this doesn’t spill-over into my personal dressing a great deal, i am hardly ever study as such. Whilst in Lagos, I happened to be talking to an innovative new with other gay of my own regarding how i am frequently read as male and hostile, and I was not quite sure why. The guy asserted that to him, it was in the way I carried me, that my energy will come off as contained and controlled, responsible. Physically, i have noticed that when I’m around a few of my femme friends, I definitely seek to stabilize the powerful. We’ll take the hefty bags, hold the clothes as they’re picking them in the store, give them my personal arm. You obtain the gist.

In my union, but’s somewhat different. I’m the one who drools over appliances for the kitchen, just who in fact loves cleaning and carrying out laundry, whom makes the sleep each morning, who causes my lady break fast whenever she continues to be over. I am the home-based one who leaves with each other IKEA furnishings, and I also like it. She stocks my heavy stuff, requires me out on times, picks up the case in many cases, and expects become the most important breadwinner decades down-the-line. When it comes to record, i am thus fine with being a kept lady. Wifey when it comes to victory! This looks incongruous for some men and women simply because we wear generally men’s room clothing, while she wears just ladies garments and it isn’t butch/boi often. Despite the way we utilize garments as indicators, it’s not practical in order to make presumptions about functions in queer relationships.

That doesn’t prevent people from performing this. In a pulse, a person that wears men’s clothing is presumed as butch or boi or intense or even the proprietor of a strap. Next evening in a club, alike woman from Lagos questioned myself easily strapped. While I said no, she appeared amazed for a moment, after that added that neither did she. Ohh-kay. Clearly, bands aren’t essential in all queer communications, but I thought like she ended up being keen on me personally because she assumed I was a butch exactly who strapped. I have it: I’m keen on androgynous presenting individuals who We cross my personal fingers and hope tend to be into strapping #winkwink, because trust me, We have adverse desire for it. I am instead sick of men and women reacting with shock when they find out I dress how I do and identify as a bottom.

Overall, We despair at connecting *ahem* dating because i usually feel like those that I’m drawn to aren’t drawn to myself. I ask yourself when it’s because I’m not femme (adequate), if they are assuming I’m a leading just who straps, basically look as well comparable to all of them, or if i simply intimidate folks. I wish to be pursued, wooed, hit on, propositioned, used charge of. I want people to prevent thinking that being a bottom is equivalent to getting passive and disinclined to reciprocation of pleasure — that is merely insulting. I resent the internalized homophobia that doesn’t support boi-boi, stud-stud, GQ-GQ, or permutations along those contours.

An element of the stress for me is I believe as if i am constantly getting look over as a masculine of center lady while I’m really just genderqueer. I am genderqueer of center. Trying to translate me in every some other way leads to distress — including some pals maybe not recognizing the reason why i cannot expect my chest to be flatter and much more androgynous thus I can use clothes once more. The occasions We have worn clothes around and gone en femme, I got struck on by masculine-presenting females whoever curiosity about me merely lasted providing the high heels and yellow lipstick ended up being on. Any time we watched them whenever I ended up being dressed in my personal ‘regular’ garments, I managed to get the friendly mind nod or no recognition at all. Explore the buddy region.

We ponder what amount of others have had comparable experiences. Do you actually believe that the way you dress and current leads individuals generate assumptions regarding the parts, sexual or elsewhere? How might your own genuine self contradict the assumptions created about yourself?

« I Am Neither Butch Nor A Top »
initially published on
bklyn boihood
. Republished with permission.

About the writer

: delivered and bred in south of Nigeria, Akwaeke Z Emezi is actually an Igbo and Tamil free of charge love supporter, genderqueer Nutri-C addict, and all-natural tresses aficionado. When you look at the area where parathas and palm oil meet, she dances reverence to dope beats and comes after the Christ. As a queer bard, writer and musician, Z infects a message of self-awareness laced carefully with really love and courage, trusting that just in understanding and recognizing yourself utterly can we undoubtedly be complimentary. An existing Brooklynite, they adore traveling and delightful individuals, and are usually consistently pushing for a life without fear and full of wonderful.

My preferred pronouns tend to be she/he/they. Combine it up. Wonder me personally.

Akwaeke Z Emezi

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www.akwaekeemezi.com